WORDS FATHERS NEED TO SAY AND BOYS NEED TO HEAR

By Bill Zimmerman, Creator, MakeBeliefsComix.com

When fathers ask me for suggestions about the things they can do with their sons to build stronger bonds, the advice I give them always centers on words. By that I mean they need to make time to listen to their sons' words - even their silences which can convey much information - and they need to speak and write important words to their boys.

In raising boys, too often adults don’t listen attentively to children and spend too much time telling them what to do as if they have all the answers. Boys need to be coaxed to make their "voices" known, to be encouraged to express themselves. This means a dad making time at the end of a busy work and school day to sit down with his kids and having a meal together, even if it's only pizza the nights when everyone is too tired to cook. Doing a chore together or taking a walk together are also great ways to re-establish connections with our children. This is when we become aware of what’s on their minds and we can help them and show them we love them. Our sons truly need to be heard.

I lost my father when I was young and missed hearing the words that a boy growing up needs to hear from his dad. From my own life experience and in working with many young people over the years, I know that boys - those with fathers as well as those without - need to hear the words that will guide them, encourage and comfort them. None of us ever hears enough of such words.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR SON ABOUT:

• What are the basic things you believe in and which are important to you? I call these "key operating principles." They can be things like believing in yourself, being kind to others, always trying to do your best, not giving up easily when problems occur, or treating others the way you want to be treated. In sharing these beliefs with your son, encourage him, too, to come up with his own operating principles. These are important because they will keep your son steady when live throws him some curves. They tell him what's really important and help ground him when he’s not sure of himself.
• Tell your son not to worry about whether he's "macho" or manly enough. The strongest guys I know are always the ones who think for themselves and treat everyone with respect. Reassure your boy that the only big muscle he really needs is a good, loving heart. And, yes, it's okay to cry. Advise your boy not to bottle up his feelings all the time - it only will create too much pressure and hurt him inside.
• Tell your son he has more power than he thinks. When boys are young they may feel they don't have any power, that they are pretty much at the beck and call of parents and teachers. But you can get the message across to them that they have more power or control than they think. That power comes in the form of helping others. This can be as simple as helping out a buddy with a problem and showing their support for him. Power can often come in what you decide to do for others. Ask your son to think for a moment about one positive difference he can make in someone's life right now.
• Assure your son that it's okay to make mistakes - no one does everything right the first time every time. When your boy is learning something new, he needs to be patient with himself. Share with your son some of the things that took you a long time and hard work to achieve.
• Encourage your boy to ask for help when he has a problem. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you don't have all the answers. Asking for help doesn't mean a person is weak or isn't smart, and no one will every make fun of you for doing so.
• Teach your boy to walk in someone else's shoes for a while. Trying to understand and accept those who are different from him shows them respect. And that makes the world a better and friendlier place for people to live in.
• Encourage your son to believe in himself. When he has a bad day, try to help him remember the good things in his life that he has accomplished. Encourage him to keep a list of these hard-won achievements in his wallet to refer to when things don’t look bright. Bad times don't last forever - you know this from your own experience.
• Convey to your son that he is special. There never has been - and never will be—anyone on earth exactly like him. Just as no one else has his thumbprint, no one on the planet has his one-of-a-kind mind, personality or imagination. He brings to the world something that nobody else has. Every child is special in his own way - some through book smarts, some through athletics, some through sensitivity, some through making music or art. Help him find his own special "intelligence."
• Encourage your son to be himself. Maybe he's someone who likes to spend a lot of time hanging out with others, or maybe he's more quiet or shy and prefers spending a lot of time on his own. Encourage him to figure out what works best for himself and go with it. Teach him to be comfortable with who he is.
• Help your boy find ways to keep his spirit strong. In the same way you try to help him take care of his body by feeding it healthy food, you need to help him find ways to fill up his mind and spirit, too. This can mean his doing something that he loves, going out and enjoying nature, reading a book to escape into another world where they are people or places different from what he knows, taking time to pray or meditate. Encourage him to keep a notepad where he can write about his day or his feelings.

I also think that one of the most wonderful gifts you can give your son are written letters or notes of encouragement to him in which you express your hopes and dreams for him. Think how much it can mean for a boy to receive a letter in which a parent or caregiver begins with the words, "This is what I want from the depths of my heart for you" or "This is what you mean to me." Wouldn't you want to keep such a letter for the rest of your life?